Alright, it’s almost time for football. It means so many things to me right about now. Football itself, of course. The brilliantly beautiful game on the field is king amongst all the various sports.
To me, however, it means so much more than just that.

It’s a time of year that gets us out of the radio station more often and hanging out with the P1’s at least once a week. If you’ve been a P1 for a while, you know we can be found every Sunday during football season at the Wild Wing Cafe in downtown Greenville where we go and watch games and eat food and hang out with as many P1’s as they can fit upstairs at Wild Wing. Our shows seem better to me when we’re out and about more. It keeps us all in touch. I’m basically salivating over the chance to get out amongst everyone a little bit more. I know Maffew is feeling the same way. Eventually we’ll even show Jew-is Gonzalez the light.

And don’t go thinking it’s all just football. Not at all. There is tons more going on in the fall, like Birthday Bashes and Halloween and Big Ass Draft Nights all over the place. It’s the time of year we get to meet the most people and go the most places and do the most cool stuff. Then you get Thanksgiving and Christmas and it turns out to be the best six months of the year.

I hope everyone got to hear For The Love of Jimmy about 3 weeks ago. P1 Superwoman was victorious. She was lucky enough to win a date with me. I also hope everyone got to hear the update we did yesterday morning on the show.
I’ll say the women who like me are very, very troubled. Almost always very troubled. The ones who haven’t been troubled, I’ve probably run off because I was weird and trying to figure out how they were troubled. I’m using a loose definition for troubled. It can manifest in many, many ways. It has to be a loose definition with my history of regular crazy, various offshoots of crazy, criminals, drug addicts, and even death. Imagine if High Fidelity had been darker and more comedic and John Cusack got stung by a lot of bees and you’d have my personal story. Enough, though.
The only reason I bring it up is to bring up the update and the only reason I bring up the update is so I can get to the married women. Married women love me. Married women love me a lot. That was most of the update. It was married women calling in and going “Oh, I love Nine! If I wasn’t married…”
But you are married, and that sort of thing is a high compliment, but it also sucks to hear because it’s frustratingly…frustrating.
Not only that, the women who really like me are not just married. They are happily married. They’re the ones who never get divorced. The majority of marriages end in divorce, but not these. So I guess it’s good that the happiest and most stable married women find me to be awesome even though the only single ones who like me are universally insane. It’s just less fortunate that they only realize it when they’ve gone and married some awesome dude.

And that brings me to the worst part. Whenever I meet their husbands, they’re always awesome dudes who are successful and charming and nice and cool to be around and…Hell, I’d marry those guys too if I were any of these women.

If nothing else, I can garner some sort of cynical satisfaction if I meet the husband and I feel like I’m better than him, but nooooooo. They’re always cool and I would feel more like a jerk and less vindicated if I tried to hate them.

So basically my life is four hours of winning when I’m blissfully bringing you The Rise Guys Morning Show every day. The other twenty hours of my day, though, is a series of failures that range from mildly to moderately sad and moderately amusing to hilarious.
Here’s an example. As soon as I post this blog, I’m going to walk down the hall to my bathroom so I can put Ben Gay and TigerBalm on my lower back. And when I say lower back I mean the top of my ass. That’s where the Ben Gay goes. That’s where the Tiger Balm goes. Later when I have less going on, I’ll probably put an Icy Hot patch on my ass. Gonna be an eventful day.