Sup pissies-

The month of October is gonna be a busy one.  Friday night, Nine and I will be throwing Fireman a bachelor party and you’re invited.  We’ll start at Croc’s in Spartanburg at around 9 and then make our way around the Upstate.  Saturday, well Saturday is the day Simpsonville will change forever.  The Planet’s Birthday Bash 14.  You know the drill-Five Finger Death Punch, Drowning Pool, Skillet, and Fuel.  God, it’s gonna be good!  Next Saturday, the wedding of the year-Miss Charlotte Paige WTPT and Mr. Chris Fireman become one.  Well technically, they’ve been living in sin for years.  Then fast forward to October 30th….The Rise Guys 8th (I think) Big Ass Hallow-Wing costume party at Wild Wing Cafe in downtown Greenville.

In the meantime enjoy me and my kid being dumb on the webcam-here’s the Berea News.

It is good.  Psyched about Birthday Bash on 10/2.  It’s gonna be a magical afternoon/evening at Heritage Park. 

I just saw another homeless guy on Woodruff Road with his cardboard sign.  These poor people.  I love their will power!  When society and life took a proverbial dump on them, they said oh no you didn’t!  I’m sure they sat there in Falls Park down and out and thought, “They can take my house, they can take my car, but they will never take away my freedom!”  While some lemmings run to get a paper and look through the classified ads for jobs-these folks are rebels, martyrs even!  They said they are too good to go work at the car wash!  Too good to work fast food!  But not too good to express their freedom of speech! 

Like the great American frontiersman placed on a pedestal at Disney World, these warriors live off the land!  They scramble to find a piece of cardboard.  Like Billy The Kid, they probably steal….a Sharpie!  And with that they are ready to prepare their message for the people!  “WILL WORK FOR FOOD!”  “OUT OF WORK, PLEASE HELP!”  They stand out there in the heat, sometimes the rain.  Some of the more rambuncious rebels will walk up the shoulder of the road holding the sign where you can see it.  While others dare to not look you in the eye.  Why?  Because they don’t have to, damn it!  And if they want to bring their sickly, malnourished dog they will, because they can!  Bet you can’t take your pet to work. 

Let’s face it folks, these people are the real backbone of America!  So, next time you pick up your phone and pretend to talk to someone so you don’t have to look them in the eye, stop.  Reach down into your drink holder and throw that 83 cents at them.  These amazing fixtures of American society will snap up each coin faster than anyone with the last name Steinberg or Ellenburg.  And while you go to your pitiful 9-5, these winners will stand outside for 12 hours a day earning upwards of $8.72 per day!  Respect the homeless, real American heroes.

-Maffew

facebook.com/themaffew

Hey guys, hope all is well.  The best TV show in the history of TV shows is clearly “Eastbound and Down” on HBO starring Danny R. McBride as Kenny Powers.  It returns with a new season on September 26th.  The premise is Kenny is a former major league baseball pitcher who has been reduced to teaching P.E. at a middle school in Shelby, NC.  He’s a former steroid abuser, still a racist, still a cokehead, with the occassional X trip.  All the while, teaching middle school kids.  He’s most definitely white trash.  But, surely there are others in real life, in professional sports.  So I researched and came up with this.  I wanted to do a Top 10 but here’s my Top 9 (in honor of my soon to be son James Alan.)

1. John Daly
Hmmm. Does JD bear any similarities to KP? Only all of them.

Alcoholism? Check
Garish behavior? Quintuple Check
Questionable wardrobe choices? Infinity check
Less-than-athletic physique? Yup

While Daly hails from Kentucky and Kenny F’n Powers hails from Shelby, North Carolina, that’s where the differences end. Despite the fact that one is fictional and one is real, I’m still about 80% surprised that these guys haven’t been named as co-defendants in some sort of strip club brawl in southern Illinois, or something.

Daly is a chain-smoking, frequently divorced, alcoholic who treats golf more as a burden than as a career. And all accounts indicate he’s rocking a pretty seriously gambling addiction.

Kenny Powers is a foul-mouthed, blindly patriotic alcoholic who gets laid on the reg.

I’m politely asking someone to set these two guys up with a Jet-ski dealership sooner rather than later.

2. John Rocker
Putting John Rocker on this list is like filling in the “Free” square on your BINGO card. It’s nice, but it’s so easy it’s not even fun. Even producers of Eastbound and Down said that Rocker’s antics helped them craft the beautifully flawed protagonist that is Kenny ”You’re F’n Out” Powers.

To Rocker’s credit, it’s pretty impressive that he so effortlessly was able to anger an entire culture. To his detriment, he did so in the easiest way possible: by being really, really, really, really racist and ignorant in public interviews. Good job, John.

While KP occasionally suffers from what we will euphemistically call “overenthusiastic patriotism,” he never really dropped the racial hammer the way J-Rock did when he opened his less-than-Ivy-League-educated mouth regarding the virtues of diversity on an NYC train trip. What the hell was he doing riding the train, anyway?

3. Karl Malone
While not technically “white,” Karl Malone models himself after more than a couple aspects of life that could certainly be considered “white trash”. He’s by almost all accounts a great guy, but certain tendencies could lead people to think he’s perhaps a bit of a redneck.

First off, how does the most dominant power forward in the heyday of the NBA spend his off season? Well, Malone spent it by splitting his time by ranching (a little odd) and touring the country in a full-sized 18-wheeler with a beautiful desert landscape painted on the side. What? Yes. Unfortunately, an image of the rig is not available online, but I promise I saw it on NBA Inside Stuff when I was 13 and the image has not left me since.

Case stated and proven.

4. Ben Roethlisberger

This one shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to anyone. If you’re a superstar pro athlete with the world at your fingertips and you manage to keep squandering your good fortune with motorcycle accidents and sexually aggressive behavior, you might be a redneck. Excuse me. “White Trash”.

Seriously Ben. You’re a Super Bowl-winning QB with national notoriety and more money than Scrooge F’n McDuck. If you need to be any sort of aggressive when it comes to tapping ass, you might want to re-evaluate your approach.

And if you’re looking for an adrenaline rush, rather than play Evel Kneivel on your bike, try a pastime that thousands of other NFL players rely on. It’s called “not taking your NFL career for granted and jumping on a damn motorcycle.” The sublime pleasure of knowing you still have a career may not be as heart-pumping as crashing your hog, but it lasts a hell of a lot longer.

The best thing about watching people like Ben is the fact that these guys generally get worse as they get older. Right now, Ben is in the “Kevin Durant” stage of white-trashdom. We see the frequent flashes of brilliance and continue to hold our breath to see what his eventual ceiling will be. If it’s anything less than “head-butting Taylor Swift at the 2013 Kids’ Choice Awards”, I’m going to be quite disappointed.

5. Jason Williams
If KP is good ‘ole boy white trash, then Jason Williams would be representing the urban version. White trash can take many forms, and although mullets, gold chains and football jersey can be good indicators, they are by no means the only indicators. Williams’ freaky shaved head, countless tats, nauseating nickname (White Chocolate? Ugh) also point to someone who may not be presenting the best humanity has to offer.

While he was a standout basketball player for Florida, it turned out the fourth time was a charm when he violated the teams substance policy. He was kicked off the team, and, consequently, out of school. When asked about his favorite experience in college, Jason explained that his expulsion was his favorite memory. A world-beater in the making, folks.

The clincher, though? He has WHITEBOY tattooed on his knuckles. Though the eight letters match up on the eight knuckles, to the untrained eye, it probably looks more like WHIT EBOY . You have to think these things through, Jason. He’s also gotten in scraps with the NBA and team management for tossing out some racial slurs at Asian fans sitting court-side and publicly declaring that his team, the Grizzlies “sucked” and is the “worst in the NBA”.

At least KP is funny.

6. Larry Bird
A good rule of thumb: if you’re nickname throughout your pro career is “The Hick from French Lick,” you’re probably gonna get a nod on this list. While Bird is a basketball legend and not a walking punchline, he definitely demonstrates more than a handful of the symptoms of the white trash constituency. Let’s dive into them with everyone’s favorite list-making device, bullet points:

* Born in a place called French Lick.
* Mullet.
* Looks not unlike a chicken.
* Married a chick in high school, divorced her 11 months later in 1977, fathered a daughter during that period, but denied his paternity until 1998 when the daughter went on Oprah. Sweet.
* An Oklahoma man sentenced to 30 years in jail requested that his sentence be changed to 33 years to match Bird’s number. Request was granted. That’s a special kind of fan, right there.

7. Steve Howe
If this guy wasn’t a professional baseball player for so many years, he probably would have qualified for his Screen Actors Guild card by making hundreds of appearances on COPS. He was eventually banned from the game of baseball for his predilections. And what exactly were they? That sweet, sweet china white. Blow. Nose candy.  Booger sugar.  The devil’s dandruff. Yayo. Cho-canya.

He LOVED it. He loved it like Tony Montana, Lindsay Lohan, George Rogers, and Stevie Nicks combined. In a surprisingly strong 17-year career, he got suspended for the white stuff seven times. Often times, his suspensions were for full seasons, marring his career with inconsistent play and a tainted legacy.

Of course, I realize that there is a big distinction between having a drug addiction and being white trash, but when you spend such a large portion of your livelihood with bail bondsmen, court hearings, and apologizing for the same damn thing over and over, that line gets a little blurred. I’m sympathetic to the plights of the addict, but this guy is at the very least an honorary member.

8. Dale Earnhardt Jr.
“Watch it, Maffew!”  Besides operating under the stereotype that all NASCAR drivers are red necks, Dale Jr. seems to be a pretty stand up guy who isn’t blowing rails at college bars in rural Georgia.

However…

He’s got the twang, the strangely intimate love affair with Corvettes (I know they’re his sponsor, but still), opened a bar named Whiskey River in Charlotte, and a candy bar called “Big Mo”. I have eaten the Big Mo. I recommend that no one ever eat the Big Mo.

Plus, fashion senses of KP and Jr are pretty uncannily similar. Both of them would look right at home in a satin jacket that said in cursive on the back “The Heartbeat of America is Today’s Chevy Truck”. They both also dig on the wraparound sunglasses, despite the fact it’s no longer 1995.

9. Tiger, Tiger Woods, yall!
Nine months ago, I would have been laughed at the building, or at least been stared at uncomfortably for a long time if I had suggested Tiger was a redneck. He was graceful, mysterious, insanely rich, and not white. And he golfed.

However, if we take a look a the rap sheets of KP and Tiger, we shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss them as that different.

Banging out waitresses at Orlando-area Olive Gardens and Cheesecake Factories?

KP: Probably
Tiger: Definitely

Gettin’ effed up on the reg and crashing your SUV?

KP: Maybe
Tiger: Definitely

Driving a Buick when you can afford a much nicer car?

KP: Probably
Tiger: Definitely

Owns a tanning bed?

KP: Definitely
Tiger: Eh, probably not

While these are by no means definitive, the purpose here is to look beyond skin color and status when we look for “white-trashedness.” Kenny Powers has opened our eyes to a new cultural dynamic in sports. Has it always been around? Probably. But it sure seems to be a lot more prevalent now. Pray for us.  Tickle it guyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyys!

-Maffew

facebook.com/themaffew

Hey guys-

WTF.  An acronym that has been popular for a while in various inner circles, but here recently it’s become mainstream.  I saw a commercial on “a local TV station” that used the letters WTF in it.  Anybody reading this that doesn’t know what WTF means?  Of course you do.  So why is it ok to use WTF?  I think it’s comical that WE pretend we don’t like cuss words (that’s curse words for you Yanks.)  Most of us use the F word, the S word, S.O.B., etc., etc., etc.  Now I know not all of you do, but the majority of us do.  I hang out with all walks of life, everyone from ditch diggers to lawyers.  WE CUSS!  The point here is that is these words are so bad, that we use everyday, why are they so taboo?  Why?  It’s about mental digestion.  In other words, when I put WTF you knew what I meant.  Your mind processed it.  You heard those words.  Comparably when people get bleeped on TV.  “You can go BLEEP yourself, BLEEP hole!”  You read the word “bleep” but you heard these evil, evil cuss words.  So if you HEAR the words in your mind is it not just as bad as hearing the audible words?  Matt, you’re an idiot.  You’re over thinking this.  Maybe I am, but it’s foolish to me.  It’s silly that we put on this image that these words are soooooooooooooooo bad, but we all use them.  Admit it.  Evil Maffew is sitting on your shoulder, go ahead, say it.  Scream a cuss word right now at the top of your lungs.  Feels good doesn’t it?  You’re F’n right it does.

-Maffew

Hey guyyyyys-

Seems everyone is concerned with the end of time.  Armageddon.  2012.  Who is The Antichrist?  Obama?  Kim Jung Ill?  Betty White?  Orrrrr is it a website???

You’d be hard-pressed to find a company more beloved than Google. And why not? They make the Internet easier to use, pamper their employees and foot the bill for YouTube even though it loses money like it’s got a gambling problem that’s made of cocaine. Unfortunately, much of what is awesome about Google also makes them increasingly terrifying with each passing day.

Before Google, if you were curious about some weird sexual position or the dangers of sticking glass rods down your pee hole, you had to go to an older sibling or classmate. This would result in either hilarious but ultimately fulfilling sexual misadventure or, if you didn’t go to high school in a teen comedy, a mortifying nickname that followed you all the way to college.

Google wasn’t the first search engine to take the human interaction out of that process, it was just the best at finding the information you were looking for. And as long as you were sure to delete your search history afterwards, you could read up on any kind of f’d up, degenerate behavior you wanted without another human soul ever knowing.

The Reality:

It turns out, Google records everything you enter into its search engine. The lonely night a few months back when you Googled “how many fists can fit in the butt?” That’s stored on Google’s servers, correlated with your IP address and a pretty shocking amount of other personal information.

But they’re not just passively stalking you via your weird ass searches. If you use Google to help you navigate the Web, there’s a good chance they’ve installed a cookie onto your browser that logs every page you visit, every form you fill out and every conversation you have. Google sees it all and stores it for at least nine months.

Consumer advocate group Privacy International says nine months is the best case scenario. Even if you only use a few of Google’s free services, “the company retains a large quantity of information about that user, often for an unstated or indefinite length of time, without clear limitation on subsequent use.”

Of course, Google is in the business of getting you what you’re looking for, and knowing everything about you makes it better at its job. When you type rimjob into your search window, Yahoo! might return a LeBron James highlight reel, but Google knows better. Google’s many products work better the more it knows about you.

Plus, it’s not like any actual people will ever read all of the dirt they have stored on you. Well, not until they have a reason to ask for it anyways.

In 2009, Google’s CEO Eric Schmidt warned users,

“If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place. “

So maybe it’s time to stop treating Google like a smarter, more trustworthy older sibling who has all the answers and more like a friend you trusted until you found the notebook where they track all of your bowel movements. No matter how much good advice they offer you, and how many times they claim the drawer full of hair they collected from your shower drain is “just in case,” you’ll never feel totally comfortable around them again.

Everyone knows that corporations can’t be taken at their word. If Coca-Cola changed the slogan from “Enjoy” to “Don’t Commit Rape,” everyone would assume they were dissolving date rape pills in Diet Cokes. But when Google made “Don’t Be Evil” its unofficial motto, the media and the public in general pretty much took it at face value. It certainly seemed to check out with all the free shit they kept giving us.

Yes, most of the goodwill purchased by Google over the past dozen or so years can probably be traced to the fact that they create some of the best applications on the Web, and don’t ask you to pay for a single damn one of them.

So why shouldn’t we treat Google differently? They don’t even seem all that interested in making money. They’re just here to make our lives easier. They’d probably be a charity if charities weren’t so gay.

The Reality:

Google is not a magical fairy cloud of technology that exists purely to help you find information (that’s Wikipedia).

Google is a corporation. Their goal is to acquire as much of the world’s money as possible. They are not driven by the desire to “not be evil” anymore than Sprite is driven by a desire to be “sublymonal.” If they ever even so much as hinted that they were in the business of “not being evil” in a situation where that involved “not making money” whomever dropped that hint would immediately be relieved of their job.

In the words of Scott Cleland, who has made a career of watching Google and ringing the “seriously, I think these people might be vampires” alarm, “Google does not work for users; Google works for advertisers and website publishers, which provide virtually all of Google’s revenues.” Google Ads are responsible for 97 percent of their billions of dollars of revenues.

Google Maps, Google Earth, Google Talk, Google Reader, Gmail. Everything Google has ever given you for free is funded by those little blue lines of text that appear at the top of your Gmail account, or in the sidebar of your search results. Then, when you use those services, Google collects information about you. It uses what it knows about you to target ads specifically to your personal tastes. That’s how Google is able to maintain a near monopoly in online advertising despite never having used a single boob.

It’s actually a pretty brilliant business model. The more ads they sell, the more free apps they’re able to give you. The more free apps they give you, the more goodwill they generate, the more you use their products and believe that they’re not evil and are willing to tell them about yourself. The more they learn about you, the more lucrative their ads become and the more money they make.

It’s a brilliant business model, or as the woman who Obama put in charge of Department of Justice’s antitrust division calls it, a “repeat of Microsoft.” Just like Microsoft in the early 90s, Google is accused of using all those free apps and all that goodwill to stomp out all competition. The European Union has launched an official antitrust inquiry.

Google for its part has responded to the claims by doing a creepily accurate impression of Microsoft in the 90s. They’ve made a deal with Sony to set Chrome as the default browser on all VAIO computers, and the upcoming Chrome OS will only work with one browser (guess which!). They’re using their enormous market share to outspend the competition. Remind you of anyone?

The Misconception:

Google as a company has managed to do one pretty incredible thing: accrue a scary amount of power without being corrupted by it. If we had the money and influence Google enjoys, you can bet we’d flaunt the shit out of it.

You don’t hear about Google sweatshop employees or suicides in their Chinese factories or attempts to flood their customers with spyware. If we’re going to have a monopoly, it might as well be Google.

The Reality:

Everything we’ve covered so far, the spying, the advertising networks, have been the result of Google’s algorithm working on autopilot. You’ll probably be comforted to know that there’s not some guy sitting on Google’s campus, analyzing what ad to serve based on your uniquely weird taste in music and pornography. All the dirt they’ve got on you are all just ones and zeroes in a complex equation that works incredibly well.

But things get a lot clumsier when something in the algorithm isn’t working, and the humans behind the scenes have to make a decision. Unfortunately, when you control how most of the world interacts with the Internet, there’s no such thing as a fair decision.

In February, 2010, DMCA claimed Google deleted a bunch of blogs from their Blogger service even though many of the bloggers didn’t do anything. Some of them had deals with record labels and bands. Many of the stricken bloggers received no warning whatsoever, which is in direct violation of Google’s own policy.

And it isn’t the first (or the only) time Google’s done something like this. Remember that preposterous brouhaha between Anonymous and the religion with all the space Nazis and nuclear volcanoes? Google took a side.

They deleted the Anonymous AdSense account and burned the YouTube account of a journalist about to release an expose on the Church. The expose contained no copyrighted material, but Google killed it anyway. They also locked an anti-Scientology website called Xenu.net away from the rest of the Internet.

To be fair; when the Church of Scientology published the names of several members of Anonymous, Google took the right action and banned their YouTube account. Then they re-opened it, right around the same time AdSense was gorged with thousands upon thousands of ads for the Church.

I’m not saying Google has become the brainwashed pawn of an evil new-age religion. The CoS has money to spend on advertising and Google is too enormous to make reasonable decision in every corner of its sprawling empire. Of course, we don’t have to ask you to imagine if Google actually decided to screw their users.  Beware of Google-The Antichrist.  Bow down before Bing.

Tickle it guyyyyyyyyys

-Maffew

TickleItGuys.com
facebook.com/themaffew

Sup guyyyyys, pissies, brothers, and the like-

Karate Kid.  We’ve all seen this classic starring the likes of Ralph Macchio and Pat Morita.  Daniel-san is a kid from Jersey who moves into a new town and is being bullied by karate dudes who sometimes dress as skeletons while riding their BMX bikes.  Daniel-san, on the other hand, likes rubbing off old cars and wearing shower curtains.  There were 2 good movies under this banner – there was a Karate Kid 3 but of course it sucked out loud. 

Have you heard about Karate Kid 4?  Well, it’s not being called “4″  – just renamed Karate Kid.  Weird huh?  Who will play Daniel-san?  Who could do it?  Turtle from Entourage?  No.  Jack Roper?  No.  The Shamwow guy?  No (but he’d play a good Johnny.)  Will Smith’s son is playing Daniel-san.  Yeah, the Italian kid from Jersey is now black.  BTW, Mr. Miyagi is being played by Jackie Chan.  There will be those that call this politically incorrect, but Will Smith’s kid shouldn’t be playing Daniel-san.  It’s a different story!  The Italian kid from Jersey is now a black kid with cornrows.  Yeah, yeah, yeah call me racist but it’s not.  I love that kid in the “Pursuit of Happiness.”  It’s like when they did the “Honeymooners” movie with a black cast. 

The problem is Hollywood is so dull and uninventive all they can do is remake movies or make TV shows into movies or make a 30 second Saturday Night Live sketch into a movie – Macgruber!  So they think if they remake the movie but change it up even if ever so subtle that they’re putting their spin on it – making it their own as they say.

Well I say, horsecrap!  Imagine “Boys In The Hood” with white guys or “3 Men and A Baby” with Tony “Zeus” Lister, Bookman from Good Times, and Stephan Urkel (the actor not the MC of The Greenville Drive games.)

The point here is not skin color, religion, or creed (who by the way will be playing a concert before the NASCAR All Star Race) – NO, it’s about Hollywood sucking balls.  Major balls!  Choking on ‘em!  I say no more!  When good movies like “Neato Mosquito can’t get distribution and “Harlem Knights” starring the cast of the Blue Collar Comedy tour can, we have a problem folks.  Until then, I’ll just sit back and watch REAL movies like “The Ringer”, “Freddy Got Fingered”, and “Glitter” and you can tickle my boffhoff.

And uh,

-Maffew

TickleItGuys.com
facebook.com/themaffew

Hey guyyyys-

Hope everyone is enjoying this nice weather we’ve been having.  The warmth, the sunny skies, flowers in bloom, Michael Cogdill’s facial mole.

But with the good comes the bad.  Nine is on the loose and young men’s backside should be on guard.  The Badonkadonk Bandit is out on the prowl.  You see, I have known Nine for 11 or 12 years, since he was 14.  He’ll never admit, but I have been a father figure to the guy – or at least an older, handsome brother.  I have spoke to him in private about this but it seems to not have helped.  So, I ask you, the P1 Family to help.  Please look at the documentation below.  Nine is in love with the male hockey box.

That’s Nine and JLN in one of our production studios.  Are they wrestling?  Nope.  That’s how Nine greets a man in lieu of a handshake or fist bump. 

Need more evidence?  Dateline Spartanburg, SC – TRG Big Ass Draft Night at Lil D’z.  Faybay is doing a live break on the air.  Seeing FooBoo for the first tme, Ninny goes over to say hello to him – and this is what happened.

If you see Nine and he tells you that your collar is popped and he’ll fix it.  Or you have a bug on your back and he’ll knock it off.  BEW ARE!  He may very well be trying to invade your cheeks.

And we shall,

-Maffew

TickleItGuys.com
facebook.com/themaffew

Hey guys, I’m not what one would call tech savvy, but have been a 3D fan since I saw Jaws in 3D. Also I loved seeing full frontal nudity in 3D in last year’s cinematic classic “My Bloody Valentine” in 3D. Are you dying to be the first on your block (or the first in America) to get a new 3D TV? Sears and Amazon are taking orders for two Samsung 3D-ready LCD TVs the $2,600 46-inch and the $3,300 55-inch models.

For those who had predicted that 3-D TVs would cost loads more than regular models, the prices may be a surprise. The new 55-inch model costs the same as Samsung’s least-expensive LED-backlit LCD of the same size, the UN55B6000. And its new 46-inch set is priced exactly between its least-expensive and middle-rung LED-backlit TVs of the same size.

While the TVs require active-shutter glasses to see 3D (when 3D television becomes available — it isn’t yet), neither model, at least now, bundles glasses with the TV. So expect to shell out at least $50 more when you need the 3D specs.

Both Amazon and Sears are charging the same price for each model, and Sears says the TVs will be in their stores in about nine days. But in most states, Amazon.com doesn’t charge sales tax and is offering the sets with no shipping charge; so a purchase through the online merchant could save as much as $300. Which might be enough to buy one of those new 3D-capable Blu-ray players when they become available.

Should you buy a new 3D-ready television now? If you’re in the market for a new set, I’d hold off. Other 3-D models from LG, Panasonic, and will be available within the next few months. Once those sets come to market, you’ll be able to compare prices and performance.

But the real question I have is when will we have X-Box 360 3D? Orrrrr will it be in 3D because the TV is? That may make the difference to me if I buy one. I mean, we can’t all be like Paige and have $10,000+ home theaters but if I can play Grand Theft Auto in 3D I may dive into Grace’s college fund a bit early. Pissy.

Tickle It Guys,
-Maffew-

TickleItGuys.com
facebook.com/themaffew

Hey guys-

The Pussification Of America series will continue next week . I wanted to take a break and share with you a story.

That’s Little Miss Firefly. She’s a 26 year old, 26 inch tall midget – part of the Hellz A Poppin’ Freak Show. We had her, Penguin Boy, and many of the other members of the troupe in studio. Penguin Boy is like 3 feet tall, has no arms, and 2 left hands. Literally, when he was a kid his abusive father cut both of Penguin Boy’s arms off. His hands are transplants, and oddly enough their both left hands.

Little Miss Firefly was a sweet little thing. As I held her in my arms, all I was thinking was….what would this be like? I’ve never been with a midget. And yes to the PC Elite and the haters, she calls herself a midget, so send your email elsewhere. Quit being offended for no reason, pissy.

But as I thought about what it would be like, it hit me. I don’t think I could. Even if she had a bangin’ body with Jessica Alba’s head, it would be difficult. I have a (almost) 7 year old daughter and when I was holding Little Miss Firefly, I was thinking, “This 26 year old is smaller than my kid.” Therefore, I do not feel I could hit it.

Also, here’s the crew with the cast of Hellz A Poppin’ including the man Penguin Boy on the bottom right of Faybay’s gut.

I held a midget, and I liked it…just not like that.

Tickle It Guys,
-Maffew-

TickleItGuys.com
twitter.com/theriseguys
facebook.com/theriseguys
facebook.com/themaffew

Hey guys-

The Pussification Of America-Scene 2: The Kids of America

Our generation (meaning Generation X) will be the last of it’s kind. And I’m totally good with that. I’m glad to be part of the defining generation. What the hell are you talking about Maffew? Well, I shall explain and I shall.

The sport of baseball goes out with our generation. Not professional ball exactly, but in a way yes. My parents (the baby boomer generation) grew up with baseball as America’s past time. It is now football. And of course around here, the national past time is high school football-but I’m talking nationally. But back to baseball, when I was a kid I played little league baseball. I played for the San Souci Paladins (yeah we ripped off Furman.) Every kid in my neighborhood played on the team. And when we didn’t have games, we practiced until dark. Jesus, I feel like Kevin Arnold from The Wonder Years narrating his life. But it was true. We played baseball and loved the hell out of it. Now, kids don’t like baseball. They want to play soccer. And that’s cool. Not making fun of soccer kids, in fact I’m a big fan of soccer moms. But this is the little league Soccer Generation.

We played to win. If we lost, we were pissed and usually so were our Dads. It taught me life lessons. Play hard. Some sensitive types say, “Oh Maffew, you can’t get down on your kids if they don’t win.” I’m not saying you ground them or spank their ass, but look at it like this is your kid gets a D on their Algebra test, you’d probably sit down with them and figure out how to get a C. Team sports gave me friends for life because we struggled to win together. And as a former football player at Wade Hampton, I can tell you I know the struggle. Today, in some leagues, they don’t even keep score! Because that would be calling a kid a LOSER. How are these kids supposed to be raised to think everybody wins. In a perfect world, everybody would be super rich, awesome healthcare, 4 day weekends, etc, etc. But that’s not life. It’s the Pussification of America, people! When we’re not making them get off the PS3 to go outside and play-we’re telling them now matter what, you’re a winner! But they’re nnnnnnnnnnnnot! It will great affect them when they hit high school and go into college and eventually the infamous “real world.”

And think about this: How can Shawn Michaels be in Degeneration X when he’s a baby boomer?

Tickle It Guys,
-Maffew-

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