I had a pretty interesting conversation with my hot ass girlfriend Katie.  I typically sleep at night wearing a wifebeater and boxers.  I joke on the show that I sleep naked, but I don’t.  I’m a puss-I get cold.  I blame it on the diabetes.  Now save your gay jokes, but Katie was getting dressed for bed and put on a little night gown deal.  I made the mistake of telling her that I think sleeping in a night gown has to be pretty comfortable.  Dudes back in the old days wore night gowns.  Of course they also wore those weird ass hats affectionately referred to as stocking caps in Christmas stories.  She laughed at me and may or may not have called me a slur of some kind.  Whatever.  I wasn’t talking about something silky or see-through or pastel in color.  It could be a camo gown or one emblazoned with your favorite team and mine, The Fighting Gamecocks of South Carolina.  I’m gonna get one and you can call me whatever you want, it’ll be comfy as hell.  Besides if you wear a t-shirt to bed then you’re wearing a mini gown so GFY.

Are you on Twitter?  I am.  Follow mine ass:  twitter.com/OhMaffew

Jew see me on Scene On 7 with the hot Kimberly Kelly.  I debuted my Zombie tux:

…the world ends tomorrow at 6 am as promised by this elderly kook then there are some things I need to get off my chest.  There moles.  Or maybe ingrown hairs.  But I gotta get them taken off.

I’ve really been thinking about this whole Doomsday prediction and here’s my major quagmire – what channel will I be watching when the ish hits the fan.  Most likely a news station, but which one?  I can’t watch Fox News because they’ll just say Obama caused it.  MSNBC will blame global warming and how we shoulda listened to Al Gore.  Congrats CNN, you win my possible last TV viewing. 

No matter what happens I can say I got to live out my dream.  I must remind you my dream as a child was to work with a bipolar Jew.

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Maybe I should change the name of the blog from “The Mind Of Maffew” to “Maffew’s Randumb Thoughts” – get on that Web Nazi. 

Here’s the deal, when I sit down to blog I don’t really have an agenda.  So I sit here and rack my brain about what to write about.  My mind is all over the place today because of various situations, so I thought I would share some randumb thoughts.

NYC announced that its new taxi will be a Nissan minivan. The new cabs run so quietly you can actually hear the Mets sucking.  Kentucky Derby was Sunday.  Didn’t seem like a big deal really.  Who won?  Hell I don’t even remember.  I had $50 on Chad Kroeger and I don’t think he even finished.  Speaking of foreigners, Porn star Alison Tyler offered oral favors to whoever killed Osama bin Laden. 2 mins after the killing, Bill Clinton knocked on her door dressed as a Navy SEAL.  By the way, those dudes are bad ass.  Not just the Osama guys but all of them.  I love those guys.  I hate people with bike racks behind me making me think they’re a cop from a distance.  Also lump in people who went to a government auction and bought a decade old Crown Vic.  They should at least be forced to paint it non Police colors, purple comes to mind.

Everywhere I go the past week, it’s Nine this, Nine that.  Tell him congratulations!  Well I didn’t tell him.  Instead I drove to West Greenville and thanked a random guy.  If we’re congratulating people for having kids I’m taking up money to send gold medals to every resident of Toccoa. 

I really and proud for him and XXXXXXXXXXXXX.  That’s what I’ll call her for this blog as I can’t remember if we’ve called her by name on the show.  A lot of people have asked me if I knew the announcement that Nine was gonna make.  Truth is I didn’t.  Sure there is planning to the show, around 30% is actually booked as we call it.  The rest of it is usually determined by you and your wonderful calls.  The day before Nine just said to me that he would promise a “home run bit” for 7-2 (the second segment of the 7 am hour.)  Now that is a prime slot on the show, research says more people are llistening then than any other part of the show.  Well that’s data for all shows, personally our ratings show consistency for all 4 hours, but that said-I knew it was something big.

From noon that day up until Nine announced the big news, I wondered.  Here were my main targets of what this home run would be.

-JLN had just pulled a big interview, getting Mayor Knox White to darken the doors of The Rise Guys Den of Sin for a first time interview and end to our 8 year rivalry.  Ric Flair was signing autographs the night before in town, so I thought maybe The Nature Boy was coming in studio to style and profile.  Nope.

-A P1 that worked at Ruby Tuesday’s on Pelham Rd. told us they waited on Chevy Chase the night before and sent in a pic to prove it.  I thought, holy crap if Jimmy worked it and got one of my favorite comedians in for me to find out what makes him tick, wonderful!  Nope.

-Then I thought, ok Nine had just ended his living arrangements with his roommate.  Maybe just maybe Nine was gonna allow Jeff to move in as he had been campaigning to do.  Nope.  (And that one really sucks from a personal standpoint because Nine and JLN living together would have been radio gold)

Instead, Nine announced he was going to be a father.  I was speechless and you know that’s rare.  I heard a guy announce he was about to have a child.  Jesus, I was disappointed.  Not really.  Maybe.  I was.  But I’m just being honest.  That’s what you want right?  Ok I’ll stop, I am happy for Nine and XXXXXXXXX.  And if he doesn’t make me the godfather he can go XXXX himself.

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I’m no fan of the Kardashian reality show.  I am a fan of Kim’s caboose.  And even though Big Booty Judy has had more work than B*th Br*dley, I think she’s pretty hot.  There’s something about her I don’t like.  Maybe the annoying voice, get back to you on that.  Kourtney is probably the most normal ‘Dashian yet seems to lack in the personality department.  Then we have “The One Woman Gang” Khloe. 

She’s married to NBA player Lamar Odom and I’m pretty sure she could kick his ass just like he could kick mine for this blog about his unfortunate looking “wife.”  And I say “wife” because as a black NBA player he could get way, way, way, hotter.  Detlef Shremp’s wife is hotter. 

Ok maybe not.  But in a time when people are begging for Obama’s birth certificate I too join the fight for the truth!  But not Obama, Khloe!  And in my best fake Glenn Beck I say this, God doesn’t do things like this.  He doesn’t do that to moms and dads.  Imagine hearing you get to go on a blind date with Kim Kardashian’s sister and the Armenian female version of Brad Garrett pops into the backseat.  I’m starting to think the late great Robert Kardashian ran around on Mother Kardash and had a romp in the melon patch of Bea Arthur.  I feel bad for The Big Khlo.  But I feel worse for Lamar Odom’s back, lap, gag reflex, and legs. 

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I caught a lot of crap from people today about my dislike for Major League Baseball.  I USED to be a fan.  Before the strike in 1995 occured, I was about the most passionate baseball fan you would find.  I knew about Abner Doubleday, Murderer’s Row, Big Six, and Shoeless Joe.  I knew all the stats, World Series champs, silver sluggers, etc etc etc.  I collected baseball cards, I went to games, then it just ended.

I played little league baseball for San Souci-I played first base.  Growing up baseball was my life.  And at 20 I turned my back on the game because it turned it’s back on me.  These guys I looked up to were fighting over money.  It’s a game but yeah it’s a job.  I was in college just about to start this radio chapter of my life and I said to hell with it.

I tried to get back into when McGwire and Sosa were chasing Roger Maris.  It was like being a kid in 1961 when Maris and Mickey Mantle were chasing Babe Ruth’s 60 homeruns in a season that he hit in 1927.  I couldn’t do it.  I tried.  On top of all that, the steroids.  I was done and still am.  To hell with baseball.  The NFL is where it’s at.  I’ll pull for the Braves yes and if that makes me a fairweather baseball fan then so be it.  I always will stick with my teams unlike FATBOY who has switched NFL teams 4 times in 5 years.

Tickle it pissies!

-Maffew

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I was almost killed the other day.  On the way back from an unsuccessful fishing trip with my soon to be adopted son, I stared death in the eye.  And I told him GFY.  Ok maybe I didn’t almost die but I could have been paralyzed.  As we were leaving Saluda I noticed a bee the size of beer bottle cap.  I was reaching for something to hit it with.  Nine, who was driving, said to take my boot off and hit it with that.  As I got it off the bee flew toward my face!  I had to act fast!  I had…..to escape!  I ripped the big red door open and dove out of Nine’s pickup.  I executed a perfect tumble onto the shoulder of the road with no injuries wearing one boot. 

I hate bees.  Over the years I have been stung a lot.  I’m not allergic either.  And for some reason when a bee gets near me I get naked.  It all goes back to the Summer of 1988.  Me and my friends in the neighborhood were skaters.  I skated a Vision Gator Gonzalez board.  Years later I think Gator killed his wife.  Someone research that.  So we’re skaters and this kid Steven had a jump ramp.  Believe it or not I could skateboard pretty good.  In Steven’s backyard we were skating around and someone stirred up a hornet’s nest.  Literally.  I was nearby and several bees went up my pants leg.  I commenced to taking my pants off.  Taking my shoes and socks off.  And when I couldn’t find the bees, taking my underwear off.  There I stood, wearing only my socks in front of my 4 friends.  To make matters worse I slung my pants into the tree and Steven hand to get them down for me.

Next time I’ll tell you about the time a poisonous snake bit my junk and Fatboy saved my life. 

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We have to do something.  And we have to act fast.  Ya know I’m cool with people using the internet to date, or get married like my sister did *E-Harmony, or just to meet up and become f-buddies.  I can remember when AOL came about.  I used to get in those damn chat rooms and “cyber.”  And so did you.  But good Lord almighty, it has made men lose their balls.  I saw this status recently and I will not release the name of this dude, but here it is:

AND I QUOTE (ala Michael Cole)

(and remember this is a man, mid 20’s)

“hey ladies.  poke me if you think I’m cute.  like this status if i’m a good friend, or message me if you want a relationship”

And he was serious.  He wasn’t making fun of Facebook.  He meant that crap.  What woman would have anything to do with this guy?  And apparently he will have a relationship at the drop of a hat.  Long as you make the first move.  But are you guaranteed a relationship?  Or does this guy treat this like he’s interviewing girls for a job.  I’m sure some poor rat messaged him though.  But what if she’s not up to his standards?  Does he even reply or just he just delete it and continue to be a p chasing the p.  Folks, the Pussification Of America.  Facebook is a cesspool.  And you can join me there @ facebook.com/themaffew! 

Well hello deh-

I feel bad for the Mexicans.  Mi familia really gets a bad wrap.  Gringos always say “Oh you don’t know the language, come back from where you came, ya hear?”  And I agree with those comments from Papa Neal.  But if I could, play Oprah’s Advocate.  Damn, English is tough to learn!  I mean holy Clear Channel!  And here’s why I say this.  Many of you know I have a seven (almost eight) year old daughter named Grace whom is the reason I am alive today.  (I was choking on a hot dog, she punched me in the nuts, I coughed in pain and the dog popped out of my mouth.  And in true Naked Gun fashion it popped over into my Aunt Fuzzy’s mouth)  Back to the foreigners and my kid.  My child and I argued for 45 minutes today about footprints.  We were walking out back by our creek in the sand.  She said, “Look at our feetprints Daddy!”  And it began.  “But Daddy, if it’s more than one foot it’s feet, right?”  “Yes, Grace”  “So, it’s feetprints!”  And this continued, even while I was taking a leak in the woods.  Friends, the point here is this.  Yes, foreigners should learn English if they plan on really making it in this country.  Only make sense.  But good Mattman almighty, it’s gotta be soooooooooo hard. 

Well goodbye deh,

-Maffew

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