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Comments Off | Posted by Maffew on June 17, 2011

I had a pretty interesting conversation with my hot ass girlfriend Katie.  I typically sleep at night wearing a wifebeater and boxers.  I joke on the show that I sleep naked, but I don’t.  I’m a puss-I get cold.  I blame it on the diabetes.  Now save your gay jokes, but Katie was getting dressed for bed and put on a little night gown deal.  I made the mistake of telling her that I think sleeping in a night gown has to be pretty comfortable.  Dudes back in the old days wore night gowns.  Of course they also wore those weird ass hats affectionately referred to as stocking caps in Christmas stories.  She laughed at me and may or may not have called me a slur of some kind.  Whatever.  I wasn’t talking about something silky or see-through or pastel in color.  It could be a camo gown or one emblazoned with your favorite team and mine, The Fighting Gamecocks of South Carolina.  I’m gonna get one and you can call me whatever you want, it’ll be comfy as hell.  Besides if you wear a t-shirt to bed then you’re wearing a mini gown so GFY.

Are you on Twitter?  I am.  Follow mine ass:  twitter.com/OhMaffew

Jew see me on Scene On 7 with the hot Kimberly Kelly.  I debuted my Zombie tux:

Comments Off | Posted by Maffew on June 9, 2011

What a week for nudity! Anthony Weiner, what’s up man? Actually, don’t answer that we already know. At first of course he denied it, then finally admits that was his junk in the Twitter pics. At first though he claimed he was hacked. something similar happened to me earlier on my Twitter http://twitter.com/OhMaffew and yes I claimed I was hacked, just to show people how stupid it is when a celeb or even a politician make these claims. But before Captain Weiner, “Gossip Girl” star Blake Lively had about 6 nudes hit the internet. Sweet sweet Blake still claims it’s not her in those pictures. It’s weird, it’s her in the pictures. And they’re real good. Better than the Rhianna nudes that got “hacked” and I was a fan of those. I would link to the Blake Lively pics but the Web Nazi Tracy West doesn’t like when we link to porn, so just Google image search “Blake Lively cellphone pics” and they’re you go. I liked her before, I like her a lot more now. And it’s not just because she’s using an AT&T iPhone. she’s a grown ass woman, Weiner is a grown ass man. Yet, they and the rest of society act like kids when it comes to nudity. I hate you Satan snake! If it wasn’t for Satan snake, Adam and Eve wouldn’t have noticed they were naked and we could all be naked. Damn you to hell Satan snake! I propose a Facebook type network, whereas all individuals over the age of 18 must be photographed naked and uploaded to a profile. Here’s why. If a celebrity or a politician or your husband or your grandma gets caught sending out nudes, they can’t deny it. We could all log in to this website and see for ourselves. Charge $9.99 a month to be able to look through the pics and put that money toward all the money we owe China. Sure, we’d all be pornstars essentially but if you fly in an airplane you’re already getting felt up like a hooker, if we’re getting screwed at LEAST we can pay off this deficit. And yes I’d gladly take a nude for the site, I’ll sign up right after Kimberly Kelly does.
Love,
Maffew

Comments Off | Posted by Maffew on April 9, 2011

I’m no fan of the Kardashian reality show.  I am a fan of Kim’s caboose.  And even though Big Booty Judy has had more work than B*th Br*dley, I think she’s pretty hot.  There’s something about her I don’t like.  Maybe the annoying voice, get back to you on that.  Kourtney is probably the most normal ‘Dashian yet seems to lack in the personality department.  Then we have “The One Woman Gang” Khloe. 

She’s married to NBA player Lamar Odom and I’m pretty sure she could kick his ass just like he could kick mine for this blog about his unfortunate looking “wife.”  And I say “wife” because as a black NBA player he could get way, way, way, hotter.  Detlef Shremp’s wife is hotter. 

Ok maybe not.  But in a time when people are begging for Obama’s birth certificate I too join the fight for the truth!  But not Obama, Khloe!  And in my best fake Glenn Beck I say this, God doesn’t do things like this.  He doesn’t do that to moms and dads.  Imagine hearing you get to go on a blind date with Kim Kardashian’s sister and the Armenian female version of Brad Garrett pops into the backseat.  I’m starting to think the late great Robert Kardashian ran around on Mother Kardash and had a romp in the melon patch of Bea Arthur.  I feel bad for The Big Khlo.  But I feel worse for Lamar Odom’s back, lap, gag reflex, and legs. 

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Comments Off | Posted by Nine on April 1, 2011

We interviewed UFC Lightweight Champion Frankie Edgar yesterday on the show. He’s one hell of a world class wrestler and a really tough Jersey kid you’d probably know better than to mess with even though he’s small. He’d give you that moment of second thought where your brain says, “You know he looks just a little too scrappy to think that’d ever be easy.”

And you’d be right considering he’s a professional fighter with a championship belt in the UFC.

I told him I’m not the biggest fan of his fighting style. I’ve felt that way for a while. I thought his fight with Gray Maynard was solid, but for the most part I get mad when I pay for a UFC pay per view then see a guy throwing jabs while running backwards. Frankie Edgar does a little bit of that.

Thing is, he can do that. He’s fast and elusive with lightning quick hands and feet so he can avoid contact with the other guy and win on points pretty easily using his jab and a little wrestling where he needs it. Highly effective. Really smart strategy. Those two things I greatly enjoy. Still, 50 bucks for a fight makes me wish for some broken arms and bleeding. Some knockouts and blood splatter. That’d make the whole thing much more fun. Hell, just two dudes mixing it up. Something that resembles a fight would be awesome.

So I’m left in the position of not liking the way the guy fights, but liking him as a person and that left me in a spot where I couldn’t just be an ass to him when we had him on. Well, we could’ve been an act, but that would have been a charade and we generally try and shoot pretty straight with the P1’s around here.

In the end, good for Frankie Edgar. He said he fights to win and he doesn’t care much what I think or what anybody else thinks. That’s why he’s the guy with the belt at the top of the UFC’s deepest, most talented division.

Comments Off | Posted by Maffew on March 31, 2011

I caught a lot of crap from people today about my dislike for Major League Baseball.  I USED to be a fan.  Before the strike in 1995 occured, I was about the most passionate baseball fan you would find.  I knew about Abner Doubleday, Murderer’s Row, Big Six, and Shoeless Joe.  I knew all the stats, World Series champs, silver sluggers, etc etc etc.  I collected baseball cards, I went to games, then it just ended.

I played little league baseball for San Souci-I played first base.  Growing up baseball was my life.  And at 20 I turned my back on the game because it turned it’s back on me.  These guys I looked up to were fighting over money.  It’s a game but yeah it’s a job.  I was in college just about to start this radio chapter of my life and I said to hell with it.

I tried to get back into when McGwire and Sosa were chasing Roger Maris.  It was like being a kid in 1961 when Maris and Mickey Mantle were chasing Babe Ruth’s 60 homeruns in a season that he hit in 1927.  I couldn’t do it.  I tried.  On top of all that, the steroids.  I was done and still am.  To hell with baseball.  The NFL is where it’s at.  I’ll pull for the Braves yes and if that makes me a fairweather baseball fan then so be it.  I always will stick with my teams unlike FATBOY who has switched NFL teams 4 times in 5 years.

Tickle it pissies!

-Maffew

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Comments Off | Posted by Maffew on February 25, 2011

I was almost killed the other day.  On the way back from an unsuccessful fishing trip with my soon to be adopted son, I stared death in the eye.  And I told him GFY.  Ok maybe I didn’t almost die but I could have been paralyzed.  As we were leaving Saluda I noticed a bee the size of beer bottle cap.  I was reaching for something to hit it with.  Nine, who was driving, said to take my boot off and hit it with that.  As I got it off the bee flew toward my face!  I had to act fast!  I had…..to escape!  I ripped the big red door open and dove out of Nine’s pickup.  I executed a perfect tumble onto the shoulder of the road with no injuries wearing one boot. 

I hate bees.  Over the years I have been stung a lot.  I’m not allergic either.  And for some reason when a bee gets near me I get naked.  It all goes back to the Summer of 1988.  Me and my friends in the neighborhood were skaters.  I skated a Vision Gator Gonzalez board.  Years later I think Gator killed his wife.  Someone research that.  So we’re skaters and this kid Steven had a jump ramp.  Believe it or not I could skateboard pretty good.  In Steven’s backyard we were skating around and someone stirred up a hornet’s nest.  Literally.  I was nearby and several bees went up my pants leg.  I commenced to taking my pants off.  Taking my shoes and socks off.  And when I couldn’t find the bees, taking my underwear off.  There I stood, wearing only my socks in front of my 4 friends.  To make matters worse I slung my pants into the tree and Steven hand to get them down for me.

Next time I’ll tell you about the time a poisonous snake bit my junk and Fatboy saved my life. 

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Comments (1) | Posted by Maffew on November 15, 2010

Well hello deh-

I feel bad for the Mexicans.  Mi familia really gets a bad wrap.  Gringos always say “Oh you don’t know the language, come back from where you came, ya hear?”  And I agree with those comments from Papa Neal.  But if I could, play Oprah’s Advocate.  Damn, English is tough to learn!  I mean holy Clear Channel!  And here’s why I say this.  Many of you know I have a seven (almost eight) year old daughter named Grace whom is the reason I am alive today.  (I was choking on a hot dog, she punched me in the nuts, I coughed in pain and the dog popped out of my mouth.  And in true Naked Gun fashion it popped over into my Aunt Fuzzy’s mouth)  Back to the foreigners and my kid.  My child and I argued for 45 minutes today about footprints.  We were walking out back by our creek in the sand.  She said, “Look at our feetprints Daddy!”  And it began.  “But Daddy, if it’s more than one foot it’s feet, right?”  “Yes, Grace”  “So, it’s feetprints!”  And this continued, even while I was taking a leak in the woods.  Friends, the point here is this.  Yes, foreigners should learn English if they plan on really making it in this country.  Only make sense.  But good Mattman almighty, it’s gotta be soooooooooo hard. 

Well goodbye deh,

-Maffew

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Comments Off | Posted by Maffew on September 7, 2010

It is good.  Psyched about Birthday Bash on 10/2.  It’s gonna be a magical afternoon/evening at Heritage Park. 

I just saw another homeless guy on Woodruff Road with his cardboard sign.  These poor people.  I love their will power!  When society and life took a proverbial dump on them, they said oh no you didn’t!  I’m sure they sat there in Falls Park down and out and thought, “They can take my house, they can take my car, but they will never take away my freedom!”  While some lemmings run to get a paper and look through the classified ads for jobs-these folks are rebels, martyrs even!  They said they are too good to go work at the car wash!  Too good to work fast food!  But not too good to express their freedom of speech! 

Like the great American frontiersman placed on a pedestal at Disney World, these warriors live off the land!  They scramble to find a piece of cardboard.  Like Billy The Kid, they probably steal….a Sharpie!  And with that they are ready to prepare their message for the people!  “WILL WORK FOR FOOD!”  “OUT OF WORK, PLEASE HELP!”  They stand out there in the heat, sometimes the rain.  Some of the more rambuncious rebels will walk up the shoulder of the road holding the sign where you can see it.  While others dare to not look you in the eye.  Why?  Because they don’t have to, damn it!  And if they want to bring their sickly, malnourished dog they will, because they can!  Bet you can’t take your pet to work. 

Let’s face it folks, these people are the real backbone of America!  So, next time you pick up your phone and pretend to talk to someone so you don’t have to look them in the eye, stop.  Reach down into your drink holder and throw that 83 cents at them.  These amazing fixtures of American society will snap up each coin faster than anyone with the last name Steinberg or Ellenburg.  And while you go to your pitiful 9-5, these winners will stand outside for 12 hours a day earning upwards of $8.72 per day!  Respect the homeless, real American heroes.

-Maffew

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Comments Off | Posted by Maffew on August 19, 2010

Hey guys, hope all is well.  The best TV show in the history of TV shows is clearly “Eastbound and Down” on HBO starring Danny R. McBride as Kenny Powers.  It returns with a new season on September 26th.  The premise is Kenny is a former major league baseball pitcher who has been reduced to teaching P.E. at a middle school in Shelby, NC.  He’s a former steroid abuser, still a racist, still a cokehead, with the occassional X trip.  All the while, teaching middle school kids.  He’s most definitely white trash.  But, surely there are others in real life, in professional sports.  So I researched and came up with this.  I wanted to do a Top 10 but here’s my Top 9 (in honor of my soon to be son James Alan.)

1. John Daly
Hmmm. Does JD bear any similarities to KP? Only all of them.

Alcoholism? Check
Garish behavior? Quintuple Check
Questionable wardrobe choices? Infinity check
Less-than-athletic physique? Yup

While Daly hails from Kentucky and Kenny F’n Powers hails from Shelby, North Carolina, that’s where the differences end. Despite the fact that one is fictional and one is real, I’m still about 80% surprised that these guys haven’t been named as co-defendants in some sort of strip club brawl in southern Illinois, or something.

Daly is a chain-smoking, frequently divorced, alcoholic who treats golf more as a burden than as a career. And all accounts indicate he’s rocking a pretty seriously gambling addiction.

Kenny Powers is a foul-mouthed, blindly patriotic alcoholic who gets laid on the reg.

I’m politely asking someone to set these two guys up with a Jet-ski dealership sooner rather than later.

2. John Rocker
Putting John Rocker on this list is like filling in the “Free” square on your BINGO card. It’s nice, but it’s so easy it’s not even fun. Even producers of Eastbound and Down said that Rocker’s antics helped them craft the beautifully flawed protagonist that is Kenny ”You’re F’n Out” Powers.

To Rocker’s credit, it’s pretty impressive that he so effortlessly was able to anger an entire culture. To his detriment, he did so in the easiest way possible: by being really, really, really, really racist and ignorant in public interviews. Good job, John.

While KP occasionally suffers from what we will euphemistically call “overenthusiastic patriotism,” he never really dropped the racial hammer the way J-Rock did when he opened his less-than-Ivy-League-educated mouth regarding the virtues of diversity on an NYC train trip. What the hell was he doing riding the train, anyway?

3. Karl Malone
While not technically “white,” Karl Malone models himself after more than a couple aspects of life that could certainly be considered “white trash”. He’s by almost all accounts a great guy, but certain tendencies could lead people to think he’s perhaps a bit of a redneck.

First off, how does the most dominant power forward in the heyday of the NBA spend his off season? Well, Malone spent it by splitting his time by ranching (a little odd) and touring the country in a full-sized 18-wheeler with a beautiful desert landscape painted on the side. What? Yes. Unfortunately, an image of the rig is not available online, but I promise I saw it on NBA Inside Stuff when I was 13 and the image has not left me since.

Case stated and proven.

4. Ben Roethlisberger

This one shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to anyone. If you’re a superstar pro athlete with the world at your fingertips and you manage to keep squandering your good fortune with motorcycle accidents and sexually aggressive behavior, you might be a redneck. Excuse me. “White Trash”.

Seriously Ben. You’re a Super Bowl-winning QB with national notoriety and more money than Scrooge F’n McDuck. If you need to be any sort of aggressive when it comes to tapping ass, you might want to re-evaluate your approach.

And if you’re looking for an adrenaline rush, rather than play Evel Kneivel on your bike, try a pastime that thousands of other NFL players rely on. It’s called “not taking your NFL career for granted and jumping on a damn motorcycle.” The sublime pleasure of knowing you still have a career may not be as heart-pumping as crashing your hog, but it lasts a hell of a lot longer.

The best thing about watching people like Ben is the fact that these guys generally get worse as they get older. Right now, Ben is in the “Kevin Durant” stage of white-trashdom. We see the frequent flashes of brilliance and continue to hold our breath to see what his eventual ceiling will be. If it’s anything less than “head-butting Taylor Swift at the 2013 Kids’ Choice Awards”, I’m going to be quite disappointed.

5. Jason Williams
If KP is good ‘ole boy white trash, then Jason Williams would be representing the urban version. White trash can take many forms, and although mullets, gold chains and football jersey can be good indicators, they are by no means the only indicators. Williams’ freaky shaved head, countless tats, nauseating nickname (White Chocolate? Ugh) also point to someone who may not be presenting the best humanity has to offer.

While he was a standout basketball player for Florida, it turned out the fourth time was a charm when he violated the teams substance policy. He was kicked off the team, and, consequently, out of school. When asked about his favorite experience in college, Jason explained that his expulsion was his favorite memory. A world-beater in the making, folks.

The clincher, though? He has WHITEBOY tattooed on his knuckles. Though the eight letters match up on the eight knuckles, to the untrained eye, it probably looks more like WHIT EBOY . You have to think these things through, Jason. He’s also gotten in scraps with the NBA and team management for tossing out some racial slurs at Asian fans sitting court-side and publicly declaring that his team, the Grizzlies “sucked” and is the “worst in the NBA”.

At least KP is funny.

6. Larry Bird
A good rule of thumb: if you’re nickname throughout your pro career is “The Hick from French Lick,” you’re probably gonna get a nod on this list. While Bird is a basketball legend and not a walking punchline, he definitely demonstrates more than a handful of the symptoms of the white trash constituency. Let’s dive into them with everyone’s favorite list-making device, bullet points:

* Born in a place called French Lick.
* Mullet.
* Looks not unlike a chicken.
* Married a chick in high school, divorced her 11 months later in 1977, fathered a daughter during that period, but denied his paternity until 1998 when the daughter went on Oprah. Sweet.
* An Oklahoma man sentenced to 30 years in jail requested that his sentence be changed to 33 years to match Bird’s number. Request was granted. That’s a special kind of fan, right there.

7. Steve Howe
If this guy wasn’t a professional baseball player for so many years, he probably would have qualified for his Screen Actors Guild card by making hundreds of appearances on COPS. He was eventually banned from the game of baseball for his predilections. And what exactly were they? That sweet, sweet china white. Blow. Nose candy.  Booger sugar.  The devil’s dandruff. Yayo. Cho-canya.

He LOVED it. He loved it like Tony Montana, Lindsay Lohan, George Rogers, and Stevie Nicks combined. In a surprisingly strong 17-year career, he got suspended for the white stuff seven times. Often times, his suspensions were for full seasons, marring his career with inconsistent play and a tainted legacy.

Of course, I realize that there is a big distinction between having a drug addiction and being white trash, but when you spend such a large portion of your livelihood with bail bondsmen, court hearings, and apologizing for the same damn thing over and over, that line gets a little blurred. I’m sympathetic to the plights of the addict, but this guy is at the very least an honorary member.

8. Dale Earnhardt Jr.
“Watch it, Maffew!”  Besides operating under the stereotype that all NASCAR drivers are red necks, Dale Jr. seems to be a pretty stand up guy who isn’t blowing rails at college bars in rural Georgia.

However…

He’s got the twang, the strangely intimate love affair with Corvettes (I know they’re his sponsor, but still), opened a bar named Whiskey River in Charlotte, and a candy bar called “Big Mo”. I have eaten the Big Mo. I recommend that no one ever eat the Big Mo.

Plus, fashion senses of KP and Jr are pretty uncannily similar. Both of them would look right at home in a satin jacket that said in cursive on the back “The Heartbeat of America is Today’s Chevy Truck”. They both also dig on the wraparound sunglasses, despite the fact it’s no longer 1995.

9. Tiger, Tiger Woods, yall!
Nine months ago, I would have been laughed at the building, or at least been stared at uncomfortably for a long time if I had suggested Tiger was a redneck. He was graceful, mysterious, insanely rich, and not white. And he golfed.

However, if we take a look a the rap sheets of KP and Tiger, we shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss them as that different.

Banging out waitresses at Orlando-area Olive Gardens and Cheesecake Factories?

KP: Probably
Tiger: Definitely

Gettin’ effed up on the reg and crashing your SUV?

KP: Maybe
Tiger: Definitely

Driving a Buick when you can afford a much nicer car?

KP: Probably
Tiger: Definitely

Owns a tanning bed?

KP: Definitely
Tiger: Eh, probably not

While these are by no means definitive, the purpose here is to look beyond skin color and status when we look for “white-trashedness.” Kenny Powers has opened our eyes to a new cultural dynamic in sports. Has it always been around? Probably. But it sure seems to be a lot more prevalent now. Pray for us.  Tickle it guyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyys!

-Maffew

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