Yesterday was an incredibly fun day as I got to get out of the studio for a while and go bowling while on the clock….with BLACK STONE CHERRY!!!!  Tessa and I got to Golden Lanes in Simpsonville around 2:30 before the band and most of the contest winners arrived. 

While waiting on everyone to show up, a group of three early teenage kids approached me and asked if they could pray for me.  Assuming they had me pegged as some Hellbound heathen, I admittedly got a bit defensive and snarkily replied, “Are you gonna pray for my soul?”.  The lead kid then clarified that the Lord had laid on their hearts to pray for someone wearing camouflage as I was wearing my camo shorts.  He continued to ask if I had anything that needed to be prayed for and, after a moment, I told them my brother who is currently in prison.  He then showed me the tablet he had been carrying which had ‘lost brother’ written on it suggesting that it referred to the fact that my brother was incarcerated.  Not entirely sure what to make of it, whether it was a message from God or a stretching coincidence, I decided to let the kids lay hands on me and pray.

Definitely one of the more unusual experiences I’ve had at a station event!  And, yes, that’s Jeff Lewis Neal snapping the pic with himself in the bottom left-hand corner!

When the winners arrived, people went ahead and started bowling and eating some pizza provided by the bowling alley as I resorted back to my unusual bowling technique:

Yeah, I just chuck the damn thing!  Hey, it works….sorta!

When the band arrived, they did an autograph session followed by a quick photo session before hitting the lanes with our contest winners!

Later that night, Tessa and I went out to the show at the Handlebar and even got to hang out on BSC’s tour bus and preview their new upcoming single “Blame It on the Boom Boom”!

When the band hit the stage, it was ON!  Great stage presence especially from guitarist Ben Wells and drummer John Fred Young the latter of whom did an amazing midset drum solo!  Can’t wait to see ‘em again!

Yeah it was another crazy weekend of nonstop insanity!  Tessa’s piercer, Dianna was participating in the Psychotic Suspensions show at Ground Zero Friday night so she wanted to go.  Neither of us had ever been to one of their shows before but for different reasons as mine was by choice!  Needless to say, I only watched as much of the people tugging and swinging on meat hooks as my crawling skin could take which was just a few minutes of Dianna in a tug o’ war with a larger female.  At least I got to catch some bands and see ONE SHOT KILLS play for the first time and pose with Reverend Belton!

We didn’t get to stay for the whole show because Tessa had to be up bright and early to go to work.  I got up a few hours later to go to Family Day at my mom’s job, JTEKT.  It was hot and miserable out but I got to stay in the shade and eat a crap ton of free food including grilled burgers and hot dogs!  NOM!

After that function was over, I made my way up to the Twisted Needle in Roebuck so Miles could do some touch up work to my Cthulhu tat.

When he was done, I made my way back down to the Pavilion in Taylors to announce the Upstate Rollergirl Evolution (U.R.G.E.) hosting the Gate City Rollergirls from Greensboro, NC.

When THAT was over, I picked up Tessa at the apartment so we could grab a quick bite to eat and head over to the Handlebar for NOXIOUS’ last show and to check out John Elhers’ and Chief Spires’ new band TEMPLE OF THIEVES with Skip Strong filling in on drums.

After that, we were beat but we managed to make just one more stop as we hit Walmart for a few groceries so that we wouldn’t have to leave the apartment on Sunday and, believe me, we did not!

This weekend was yet another adventure in Twistedland!  After getting a terrific night’s sleep (considering Tessa and I passed out at 11….on a Friday night – damn, we’re getting old!), we got up Saturday and hit Borderlands comics so I could pick up a hardback copy of Marvel Zombies Vs. Army of Darkness!

We then went down the road to the Irish Pub for our cornhole tournament as a part of Test Fest.  The turnout was fantastic despite the heat….and the fact that Tessa and I can’t play cornhole worth a crap!

After getting our butts kicked by two different teams (one being the station’s own team of Tyler and Shelley from promotions who sucked almost as bad as we did where we’d go several rounds without either team scoring any points) we moved on down the road again to the Carolina First Center for the Top of the Hops beer festival.

Before even hitting any of the beer stands, my eye caught the Weather Channel booth where you could do your own on-site weather report….FOR FREE!!!!  Needless to say, I could NOT turn that down!  Check it out!

Ok, I know it’s bad so, don’t worry, I’m not giving up my day job!

Saturday night I met up with my best friend Kenny and his friend Colleen since they were in town from Atlanta.  We ended up returning to the Irish Pub since we used to always hang out there back when it was called Woodchuck’s.  They ended up crashing at our apartment and we went and grabbed brunch together Sunday at IHOP before they headed back to Atlanta.

We then went down to Hollywood 20 to catch Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides in RPX!  I gotta say that I was very impressed considering I wasn’t thrilled with the second and third films in the franchise.  As a matter of fact, I would dare say that it’s the best installment yet since it was at least as good as The Curse of the Black Pearl!

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides  \m/  \m/  \m/  \m/  \n

Last Friday was very interesting for reasons more than it just being Friday the 13th!  It was also the day some of the other folks from Entercom and I went to Laurens District 55 High School to play the best sport EVER: DODGEBALL!!!!

When we got there I have to admit I was disappointed with the balls they were using.  Instead of the inflated rubber balls I expected, they were kinda squishy and didn’t throw very well as I discovered upon my first offensive strike.  I was poised and ready to take someone’s head off and, lo, is where my ball went – LOW!  I threw it directly to the ground just a foot or so in front of me!  EPIC FAIL!!!!

It also didn’t help that we faced the Laurens High Wrestling team first!  They were calculated and organized whereas we, myself particularly, were all over the place and got our asses kicked.  I was being kinda cocky and began taunting the jocks so they ended up teaming up on me 3-to-1 with the third ball finally clipping my leg and outing me.  I think the whole team lasted less than two minutes of the six minute match.

We got one more shot at glory as we had an exhibition match against the coaches.  This time we got a game plan and performed considerably better.  However, we did still lose to the coaches but had a lot more fun the second time around!

My only regret is that the tournament was a one-off event.  I would love nothing more than to find a dodgeball league and play regularly and get in better shape and maybe even get good at the game!

We interviewed UFC Lightweight Champion Frankie Edgar yesterday on the show. He’s one hell of a world class wrestler and a really tough Jersey kid you’d probably know better than to mess with even though he’s small. He’d give you that moment of second thought where your brain says, “You know he looks just a little too scrappy to think that’d ever be easy.”

And you’d be right considering he’s a professional fighter with a championship belt in the UFC.

I told him I’m not the biggest fan of his fighting style. I’ve felt that way for a while. I thought his fight with Gray Maynard was solid, but for the most part I get mad when I pay for a UFC pay per view then see a guy throwing jabs while running backwards. Frankie Edgar does a little bit of that.

Thing is, he can do that. He’s fast and elusive with lightning quick hands and feet so he can avoid contact with the other guy and win on points pretty easily using his jab and a little wrestling where he needs it. Highly effective. Really smart strategy. Those two things I greatly enjoy. Still, 50 bucks for a fight makes me wish for some broken arms and bleeding. Some knockouts and blood splatter. That’d make the whole thing much more fun. Hell, just two dudes mixing it up. Something that resembles a fight would be awesome.

So I’m left in the position of not liking the way the guy fights, but liking him as a person and that left me in a spot where I couldn’t just be an ass to him when we had him on. Well, we could’ve been an act, but that would have been a charade and we generally try and shoot pretty straight with the P1’s around here.

In the end, good for Frankie Edgar. He said he fights to win and he doesn’t care much what I think or what anybody else thinks. That’s why he’s the guy with the belt at the top of the UFC’s deepest, most talented division.

I caught a lot of crap from people today about my dislike for Major League Baseball.  I USED to be a fan.  Before the strike in 1995 occured, I was about the most passionate baseball fan you would find.  I knew about Abner Doubleday, Murderer’s Row, Big Six, and Shoeless Joe.  I knew all the stats, World Series champs, silver sluggers, etc etc etc.  I collected baseball cards, I went to games, then it just ended.

I played little league baseball for San Souci-I played first base.  Growing up baseball was my life.  And at 20 I turned my back on the game because it turned it’s back on me.  These guys I looked up to were fighting over money.  It’s a game but yeah it’s a job.  I was in college just about to start this radio chapter of my life and I said to hell with it.

I tried to get back into when McGwire and Sosa were chasing Roger Maris.  It was like being a kid in 1961 when Maris and Mickey Mantle were chasing Babe Ruth’s 60 homeruns in a season that he hit in 1927.  I couldn’t do it.  I tried.  On top of all that, the steroids.  I was done and still am.  To hell with baseball.  The NFL is where it’s at.  I’ll pull for the Braves yes and if that makes me a fairweather baseball fan then so be it.  I always will stick with my teams unlike FATBOY who has switched NFL teams 4 times in 5 years.

Tickle it pissies!

-Maffew

facebook.com/themaffew

twitter.com/ohmaffew

I just want to start by saying that I hope that everyone had a fantastastic holiday weekend!  I know I did as it was mine and Tessa’s first Thanksgiving together!  Poor thing had to work until 7 am Thanksgiving Day so she was worn out most of the day having only managed to sneak in a two hour nap before we went to my aunt and uncle’s house.

After feasting and visiting for a couple of hours, we drew names for Christmas gifts and then dropped a plate off at my Aunt Pat’s who was working on Thanksgiving then went to go see my mom in her new apartment.  From there, it was off to Spartanburg to visit Tessa’s grandmother for yet another feastly visit!

After meeting members of her family, we decided to go home and rest.  Upon arrival, we decided that rest wasn’t in the cards so we decided to gear up and head to the outlet mall in Gaffney for some midnight Black Friday shopping.  Needless to say, the crowd was a force to behold but we managed to get some Christmas shopping done even if it was mostly for ourselves!

We got home and finally crawled into bed around 4 am and slept in for most of the day then ventured out for food, more shopping and even a movie!  We hit Red Robin for some gourmet burgerage then ran over to Garden Ridge and Old Time Pottery to find some Christmas decorations before checking out the 7:50 screening of Due Date starring Robert Downey Jr. and Zach Galifianakis.  The film was a hilarious venture in the woes of travel quite similar to that of 1987’s Planes, Trains & Automobiles starring Steve Martin and the late great John Candy.

Due Date  \m/  \m/  \m/  \m/

Considering the striking similarity of Due Date and Planes, Trains & Automobiles and considering Tessa had never seen the latter, I decided to make a run for Best Buy before they closed to pick up the film so she could see it.  BIG MISTAKE!  Best Buy is notorious for being Twisted Todd’s tantalizing toy store and had fantastic deals on some of mine and Tessa’s favorite shows such as My Name is Earl and The Big Bang Theory.  We both already had the first seasons of both shows but all seasons were on sale for just ten bucks each for Earl and fifteen for Big Bang.  Oh, and season three of Metalocalypse happened to be there as well….oh yeah, Twisted was naughty!

So, needless to say, much of the remainder of the weekend was spent glued to couch with eyes fixated on the TV!  I think we left only to go to my cousin Ray’s house to watch Carolina whoop Clemson’s ass Saturday night but that was about it.

It was a great long weekend that was FULL-filling, entertaining, a tad productive and VERY restful!

Hey guys, hope all is well.  The best TV show in the history of TV shows is clearly “Eastbound and Down” on HBO starring Danny R. McBride as Kenny Powers.  It returns with a new season on September 26th.  The premise is Kenny is a former major league baseball pitcher who has been reduced to teaching P.E. at a middle school in Shelby, NC.  He’s a former steroid abuser, still a racist, still a cokehead, with the occassional X trip.  All the while, teaching middle school kids.  He’s most definitely white trash.  But, surely there are others in real life, in professional sports.  So I researched and came up with this.  I wanted to do a Top 10 but here’s my Top 9 (in honor of my soon to be son James Alan.)

1. John Daly
Hmmm. Does JD bear any similarities to KP? Only all of them.

Alcoholism? Check
Garish behavior? Quintuple Check
Questionable wardrobe choices? Infinity check
Less-than-athletic physique? Yup

While Daly hails from Kentucky and Kenny F’n Powers hails from Shelby, North Carolina, that’s where the differences end. Despite the fact that one is fictional and one is real, I’m still about 80% surprised that these guys haven’t been named as co-defendants in some sort of strip club brawl in southern Illinois, or something.

Daly is a chain-smoking, frequently divorced, alcoholic who treats golf more as a burden than as a career. And all accounts indicate he’s rocking a pretty seriously gambling addiction.

Kenny Powers is a foul-mouthed, blindly patriotic alcoholic who gets laid on the reg.

I’m politely asking someone to set these two guys up with a Jet-ski dealership sooner rather than later.

2. John Rocker
Putting John Rocker on this list is like filling in the “Free” square on your BINGO card. It’s nice, but it’s so easy it’s not even fun. Even producers of Eastbound and Down said that Rocker’s antics helped them craft the beautifully flawed protagonist that is Kenny ”You’re F’n Out” Powers.

To Rocker’s credit, it’s pretty impressive that he so effortlessly was able to anger an entire culture. To his detriment, he did so in the easiest way possible: by being really, really, really, really racist and ignorant in public interviews. Good job, John.

While KP occasionally suffers from what we will euphemistically call “overenthusiastic patriotism,” he never really dropped the racial hammer the way J-Rock did when he opened his less-than-Ivy-League-educated mouth regarding the virtues of diversity on an NYC train trip. What the hell was he doing riding the train, anyway?

3. Karl Malone
While not technically “white,” Karl Malone models himself after more than a couple aspects of life that could certainly be considered “white trash”. He’s by almost all accounts a great guy, but certain tendencies could lead people to think he’s perhaps a bit of a redneck.

First off, how does the most dominant power forward in the heyday of the NBA spend his off season? Well, Malone spent it by splitting his time by ranching (a little odd) and touring the country in a full-sized 18-wheeler with a beautiful desert landscape painted on the side. What? Yes. Unfortunately, an image of the rig is not available online, but I promise I saw it on NBA Inside Stuff when I was 13 and the image has not left me since.

Case stated and proven.

4. Ben Roethlisberger

This one shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to anyone. If you’re a superstar pro athlete with the world at your fingertips and you manage to keep squandering your good fortune with motorcycle accidents and sexually aggressive behavior, you might be a redneck. Excuse me. “White Trash”.

Seriously Ben. You’re a Super Bowl-winning QB with national notoriety and more money than Scrooge F’n McDuck. If you need to be any sort of aggressive when it comes to tapping ass, you might want to re-evaluate your approach.

And if you’re looking for an adrenaline rush, rather than play Evel Kneivel on your bike, try a pastime that thousands of other NFL players rely on. It’s called “not taking your NFL career for granted and jumping on a damn motorcycle.” The sublime pleasure of knowing you still have a career may not be as heart-pumping as crashing your hog, but it lasts a hell of a lot longer.

The best thing about watching people like Ben is the fact that these guys generally get worse as they get older. Right now, Ben is in the “Kevin Durant” stage of white-trashdom. We see the frequent flashes of brilliance and continue to hold our breath to see what his eventual ceiling will be. If it’s anything less than “head-butting Taylor Swift at the 2013 Kids’ Choice Awards”, I’m going to be quite disappointed.

5. Jason Williams
If KP is good ‘ole boy white trash, then Jason Williams would be representing the urban version. White trash can take many forms, and although mullets, gold chains and football jersey can be good indicators, they are by no means the only indicators. Williams’ freaky shaved head, countless tats, nauseating nickname (White Chocolate? Ugh) also point to someone who may not be presenting the best humanity has to offer.

While he was a standout basketball player for Florida, it turned out the fourth time was a charm when he violated the teams substance policy. He was kicked off the team, and, consequently, out of school. When asked about his favorite experience in college, Jason explained that his expulsion was his favorite memory. A world-beater in the making, folks.

The clincher, though? He has WHITEBOY tattooed on his knuckles. Though the eight letters match up on the eight knuckles, to the untrained eye, it probably looks more like WHIT EBOY . You have to think these things through, Jason. He’s also gotten in scraps with the NBA and team management for tossing out some racial slurs at Asian fans sitting court-side and publicly declaring that his team, the Grizzlies “sucked” and is the “worst in the NBA”.

At least KP is funny.

6. Larry Bird
A good rule of thumb: if you’re nickname throughout your pro career is “The Hick from French Lick,” you’re probably gonna get a nod on this list. While Bird is a basketball legend and not a walking punchline, he definitely demonstrates more than a handful of the symptoms of the white trash constituency. Let’s dive into them with everyone’s favorite list-making device, bullet points:

* Born in a place called French Lick.
* Mullet.
* Looks not unlike a chicken.
* Married a chick in high school, divorced her 11 months later in 1977, fathered a daughter during that period, but denied his paternity until 1998 when the daughter went on Oprah. Sweet.
* An Oklahoma man sentenced to 30 years in jail requested that his sentence be changed to 33 years to match Bird’s number. Request was granted. That’s a special kind of fan, right there.

7. Steve Howe
If this guy wasn’t a professional baseball player for so many years, he probably would have qualified for his Screen Actors Guild card by making hundreds of appearances on COPS. He was eventually banned from the game of baseball for his predilections. And what exactly were they? That sweet, sweet china white. Blow. Nose candy.  Booger sugar.  The devil’s dandruff. Yayo. Cho-canya.

He LOVED it. He loved it like Tony Montana, Lindsay Lohan, George Rogers, and Stevie Nicks combined. In a surprisingly strong 17-year career, he got suspended for the white stuff seven times. Often times, his suspensions were for full seasons, marring his career with inconsistent play and a tainted legacy.

Of course, I realize that there is a big distinction between having a drug addiction and being white trash, but when you spend such a large portion of your livelihood with bail bondsmen, court hearings, and apologizing for the same damn thing over and over, that line gets a little blurred. I’m sympathetic to the plights of the addict, but this guy is at the very least an honorary member.

8. Dale Earnhardt Jr.
“Watch it, Maffew!”  Besides operating under the stereotype that all NASCAR drivers are red necks, Dale Jr. seems to be a pretty stand up guy who isn’t blowing rails at college bars in rural Georgia.

However…

He’s got the twang, the strangely intimate love affair with Corvettes (I know they’re his sponsor, but still), opened a bar named Whiskey River in Charlotte, and a candy bar called “Big Mo”. I have eaten the Big Mo. I recommend that no one ever eat the Big Mo.

Plus, fashion senses of KP and Jr are pretty uncannily similar. Both of them would look right at home in a satin jacket that said in cursive on the back “The Heartbeat of America is Today’s Chevy Truck”. They both also dig on the wraparound sunglasses, despite the fact it’s no longer 1995.

9. Tiger, Tiger Woods, yall!
Nine months ago, I would have been laughed at the building, or at least been stared at uncomfortably for a long time if I had suggested Tiger was a redneck. He was graceful, mysterious, insanely rich, and not white. And he golfed.

However, if we take a look a the rap sheets of KP and Tiger, we shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss them as that different.

Banging out waitresses at Orlando-area Olive Gardens and Cheesecake Factories?

KP: Probably
Tiger: Definitely

Gettin’ effed up on the reg and crashing your SUV?

KP: Maybe
Tiger: Definitely

Driving a Buick when you can afford a much nicer car?

KP: Probably
Tiger: Definitely

Owns a tanning bed?

KP: Definitely
Tiger: Eh, probably not

While these are by no means definitive, the purpose here is to look beyond skin color and status when we look for “white-trashedness.” Kenny Powers has opened our eyes to a new cultural dynamic in sports. Has it always been around? Probably. But it sure seems to be a lot more prevalent now. Pray for us.  Tickle it guyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyys!

-Maffew

facebook.com/themaffew

Friday night after work, Rebecca and I made an appearance at Ground Zero for the Uncle Jim Memorial Show.  We got there just in time to catch GHOST IN THE MACHINE take the stage for the first time in several months.  They put on a great set playing some of their new material from their upcoming disc.  FROM TOMORROW played next and then we stayed long enough to catch a portion of STRAIGHT LINE STITCH’s set before calling it a night.

Saturday I made a return trip to Rutherford County, NC and went to see some SWA wrestling action at the armory in Forest City along with Burket and his wife Jackie.  We mingled with some folks and promoted our show coming up on the 7th since Mill Spring is just down the road.  Burket and Jackie left a little early to go check out The Ultimate Basement, the venue we are playing on the 7th while I left shortly thereafter with a couple of friends from the area and hit Denny’s in Spindale.  We rallied some folks to come out and join us and I even posted it on facebook to see who we could get to come out.

Afterwards, on my way home, I drove around Chesnee, SC trying to find one of SWA’s wrestlers Wicked’s house since he always throws killer parties after their matches.  I’ve only been once and I was riding with someone else so I couldn’t find my way!  I seriously drove around and around for an hour and a half!  And Wicked wasn’t answering his phone!  Oh well, it happens when ya party hard!

Sunday was my cousin Ray’s baby shower as he and his wife Erin are welcoming their second child (a GIRL!) in late August.  Not much to say because it was a baby shower, an event most men don’t attend but I am close with my cousin so THERE!

After work Monday I had band practice at Burket’s house since our drummer Leman is on vacation.  Afterwards, I met up with a facebook friend named Tessa I had just recently started ‘talking’ to.  We hung out until like 5 in the morning because time just seemed to melt away!  I’m excited because I haven’t connected with someone like that in quite some time!

Needless to say, I was rather exhausted due to lack of sleep but I pressed on regardless and then went out to catch the sneak preview of Dinner For Schmucks starring Steve Carell and Paul Rudd.  The movie is about a guy trying to move up in the corporate world and is invited to a dinner where a bunch of high class jerks each bring an idiot ‘friend’ to make fun of and to see who can find the biggest idiot.  The film was an absolute riot!  Definitely go!

Dinner For Schmucks   \m/  \m/  \m/  \m

Ok, I was gonna try to cram EVERYTHING that happened last week into the title and decided just to simplify it because it would have been the world’s longest blog title EVER!  Last week our fourth annual month-long celebration of manhood, Test Fest 2010 kicked off with a bang (or PA-POW!!!!) at the JACKYL CD Release Party at the Trophy Club.  It was INSANE!!!  It was very difficult to do a live broadcast with hot dancers all over me!

Once my live broadcast was over, that’s when the party REALLY started!  The crowd was amazing and JACKYL was SIN-sational!  LOL!

The next day was Cinco de Mayo so I had another live broadcast at Moe’s in Spartanburg for Cinco de Moe’s!  The people were great and the food was even better!  Mmmmmm…..MOE’S!!!!!

Friday was the day that Iron Man 2 hit theaters and my cousin Ray and I took advantage of the new Great Escape IMAX theater in our hometown of Simpsonville!  Screw the critics, I thought the sequel was a perfect follow-up to the first film and was equally sensational!  Make sure you stay past the credits yet again for this one as in the first for a bonus scene!

Iron Man 2  \m/  \m/  \m/  \m/  \m/

As if I hadn’t had enough, that night was event #2 of Test Fest 2010: Rock ‘N’ Bowl!  I’d met a very attractive redhead at the JACKYL show and decided to put my twistedness to work and invited her out to bowl because NO woman can resist bowling!  So we teamed up with some other P1s including THE P1 Lauren and had a…..BALL!  Ok, enough cheese!

More pics of both Test Fest events are up here on the website as well as Facebook!